Walking through these bushy roads covered with golden pine needles,I remember the time when I used to wait for you at bicycle shed to go home with you.Those lanes were also bushy though not as green as these but greener than anywhere you can find in a city. Even though I never said it but I used to long for school to close, that half an hour ride used to be the best part of my whole 24 hours day, I used to tell you everything from blossoming love affairs in class to super boring social science lecture and when I look into those old days I can’t believe how easily I let myself trust you with everything and after you left I realised how difficult it is for me to open up infront of others. I still remember how i hated the rains because what it meant was we can’t go together on our bicycles.
How much I hated it in school bus,I never liked being in crowd,once you asked me why do I complain about it so much??? and I told u “because there are people and I hate most of them,they are the worst.” and you laughed so hard and asked me “am I not people??” I didn’t reply cause all I could see was how beautiful you looked while laughing, and no you were not people you were mine.
How you tried to explore new routes on our way from school to home though you never found one,but god !!you were obsessed about that and then some years later when you smirked at me and told me that you never actually wanted to found one and honestly there wasn’t much to explore,it was just to spend some more time with me.I sulked at you and slapped you on the arm but deep down my heart was filled with warmth and love. I wasn’t angry but was shocked at your bluntness. I felt the tickles of joy in my stomach and at the same time I felt a painful sting in my body, I was scared to loose you.
You would have loved it here,there is so much to explore that you couldn’t do there,and we wouldn’t have to worry about rain here, we can still stand together under bottle brush tree as long as we want with no people around because people are the worst.
What I loved about you is you were so clear about what you wanted,you were always so sure that you loved me.On the other hand I was always me,and who knows better than you that I can ruin things simply by being me.
I still remember the day Pie died, it was runt in the litter of pups. You took care of it,you nurtured it as your own.you always had this soft place in your heart for troubled and miserable and maybe that’s why you loved me.You were sad that day,you held my hand tightly and said don’t worry he is in Safe Heaven, as if you were reassuring yourself. I asked you what is Safe Heaven,and you said a place where you feel most safe and happy, a place to where every good soul belongs.
I didn’t care if I was good or bad but with you I felt belonged….With you I felt safe,I felt happy and I felt love,that day I knew you were my Safe Heaven.
The scent of pine is mixed in air,and one can hear a wolf howling at a distance and you know there is a thing they say about wolves. Wolves,they are like humans they mate for life and incase they get separated from their partner they sometimes howl in pain for years, and I can’t help but think,In what way they are same as us,aren’t they better???
And at this point I am just wondering if this wolf is crying in pain or if it is calling its pack to move forward.