It all began to end.

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

I have this tendency to find beautiful things but not of keeping them maybe I don’t know how to look after their beauty.

It all started with a right swipe on a dating app, I was single for 5 years or so, on my 25th I downloaded the app hoping that I might find love. It’s been one hell of a journey since then, but when I couldn’t  found even one guy to go on a date with, I lost all my hopes and and there I met you. I swiped right, you had already  swiped me and there we were “Matched”,I saw a boy with  an innocent face holding blazer on his back, slightly tilted on right side( clumsy maybe), thin body with curly hairs. I didn’t know why but back then I chuckled at you , next was a bathroom selfie  in front of a water sink, with toothbrush stand on a side I chuckled again this time a little harder and the last was the classic one (a scenery with an intentionally candid you). ” Fuck this guy is 135 km away from here, I never choose this range. ”  but then I thought as I have nothing to do this evening,let’s talk to this weird army officer it took me 1 min to figure that out. Yeah army blood grew up in cantonments all my life.

And that’s when for the first time I had the most emotional conversation on a dating app, I called him the lanky boy and who knew at that time his lanky will bewitch me with his laughs and innocence.

From past six months so much so has happened, I still remember the day we first video called each other the lanky taught me some palm reading and with his stupid skills he told me that I would have 2 kids. But I said I want 5 , lanky said I should start right now. And I thought what a misogyny behind this lanky face. God what a cute little weirdo you you were. Since then I was on this beautiful journey with this man.

1)  My friend and I drunk dialed him on New Year’s Eve.  That is something I am still ashamed of , next day you simply asked “u alright” and ghosted me. Lanky was Cute I used to told my friend often.

2) After a week of guilt trip things started working the same way , I was busy with work  and started dating again . Some where I was too tired to try it again but then I met this intellectual man and Went on a date with him he was really nice initially but I guess when his Idea of going to a hotel room didn’t worked on second date, he started ignoring me and Yess lanky also came back somewhere around the same time , with a message at 12 AM and it was his mere presence that everything was back in place. We called my then date, horny date as Tarzan and the day Tarzan finally told me he is done with me cuz of course his ideas of taking me to rooms failed I didn’t feel an ounce of sadness. maybe I was pulling back because I knew lanky will be back.

2) We started of again as friends than I used to discuss About Tarzan , lanky and I laughed at him , sometimes I would try to fix lanky with a girl,sometimes would give him dating advice. We were good I was at peace. Something was resonating perfectly between us,may be the left out child we had within us, the feeling of un belongingness or the fear of being abandoned.

4) Three months passed continuously talking we used to laugh at anything  we started talking about families and stuff past relationships and all. Things were good and smooth. I would ask lanky if he is free and he would say Yes and then we would video call for hours.

5) After third month things started to get more intense either he or I would call and it’s a must. We started sharing our problems, fears, life issues and all and all. I still remember the day he slept with his camera On,maybe he was sad that day. I couldn’t forgot how beautiful and innocent his face looked. Something changed I slept beside him and it was just us for that moment and he slept like a baby I hope he felt the same calmness that I felt that night. Lanky wasn’t Lanky any more he became so may things after that any name that I would I like to call him with.Suddenly he became one of my people and I look after those whom I call my people.

6) Weird month we started caring for each other, getting jealous yet no one is sure if it is something. But I there was something off, he is tired often started working late, I started waking up late , so that I can know he is doing well.

7) He fell sick he was overworked, tired and of course had a poor immune system for the first time in years I was worried about someone else out of my family , but maybe he really became mine .I wanted to see him, talk to him more and which I did . I called my doctor friends and also the one who is graduating in Ayurveda I did all that and yeah I am selfish.

8) I proposed to him, he said No, a dream was shattered a dream with him and soon I got reality check maybe I am not the apt person for him I am the one who lives on meds, therapies and more meds. Lithium amount increased substantially in my blood. I wasn’t apt for anyone,i think I should stop dreaming about anything like my own home.Afterwards I stopped calling him but then again I am selfish.

9) After 5 days he called again, and I forgot everything every fear and pain and for the first time he shared his insecurities with me, I don’t know why he was thinking of everybody when I was ready to fight with everything and everyone for him. Suddenly every deficiency of mine was gone , this time I won’t let myself get harmed again . I assured him I will look after everything , he was happy and we made some weird jokes and laughed. I was happy but then I was scared maybe he wasn’t up for everything, maybe I am forcing him into this and my over thinking ruined everything.

10) I told him to stay only if he wanted to, maybe I took every assurance and comfort I gave him last night or maybe finally he was at ease. All I wanted him to be happy, I didn’t want to push him into things but had he loved me wouldn’t he had said Yes.

All the best.

11) Things were smooth again or we were getting used to it overworked, tired him and anxious, worried me but I guess even that worked for us. ‘‘How could someone can be so patient and how did I ever get you” . That’s what I used to think.

12) later on he left for certain things that were important, everything was fine in the beginning but then I have a tendency to ruin beautiful things. I tried not to but I did, and something beautiful that was started in cold of December couldn’t bear the Heat of May.

I think, some beautiful things are there just to show you that world is way more beautiful than we can think of.

All the best love, I had the most beautiful days with you and if somebody will ask me what is my most beautiful memory with you, honestly it’s when you laughed I used to wonder how can someone be so beautiful and delightful at the same time. It’s the face that soothed my eyes and I wish to never forget it.


Let Me Love♥️♥️

How the music of his laughter cheers my heart.

How I feel more at ease with his every glance.

How his gentle manners make me believe in second chance.

I wonder, How easily I can involve him in my every issue and every matter.

And even if nothing of this is true, I never want it to shatter.

Don’t let me know if he has a lover,

It won’t crush me,As I m not going to show him my love ever.


Don’t ask me to confess again,

Don’t ask me to write him,

I know everything might be a false hope,

But don’t worry it’s not a pain that I can’t cope.

Call me a coward or call it weird but this is how I love, so

Let me love him in peace

for once let me love him alone just let me love him in my own ways .

let him be mine,atleast in my dreams.


I hate winters, the gloominess, the dampness it brings with itself .

But there is something in it’s chilly air, that resonates with my soul.

As the coldness shrivels my spine, the sting gives me a familiar pain.

And no i don’t think it’s the winters that I hate,I hate it’s starking similarity with me .

Let’s Go Rainbow

Yesterday,the capital of India New Delhi celebrated its first Queer march post COVID.

New Delhi the heart of India, sometimes so vicious to intoxicate the whole country, sometimes the root cause of every change in the country, sometimes as monotonous as life in Delhi Metro and sometimes boiling hot pot as JNU, but nobody can deny that whatever happens in Delhi always becomes a topic of discussion of every household in the country.

This time it was pride March, The Heading of every news paper. People from all the communities LGBTQI and those who support them came on streets. Celebrating equality and love in many words, expressions, emotions and Rainbow colors.

But sometimes I wonder why some rules of colonial era are still governing the joys and sexual preferences of people in free India. In this world full of humans and dominated by humans why some of us are still struggling to express love,to make partners,to marry the love of our life or to have family. Why for some love is still a sin and as they say for which they will be punished by God.

Changes are happening , people are atleast ready to listen but I don’t know how much or how long will it take for us to understand that this is our only life, the one life that we are given to make choices,to make love or not make love, choices to make partners or to stay single, choices to get married ,choices to have a family or to never have one and why for some there aren’t any choices because of a certain way they behave or they feel or they are born.

Aren’t we a free country now, don’t we celebrate independence day then why some people are still hiding in their closets , why some of us has their feelings still caged inside their heart. And I won’t call this colonial act as a rule against a single community, I would rather call it an expression against love, acceptance and humanity. Why would someone do something so inhumane to another human, in my idea shackling someone’s soul with rules of society, is the biggest sin of all. Why some non- consensual painful marriages are still happily accepted and why some happily consented marriages remains socially unacceptable.

This parade has made me realise that somewhere we all are in closet and the best versions of ours are still closeted and we all have to help each other to bring that out.

And there are people who say, accepting all people will corrupt the morals of our society as if the society isnt corrupt already. and I think how rubbish is the statement itself. If some person is homosexual, hetrosexual, trans, Bisexual, Asexual, intersex, Pansexual or anything by matter of fact it’s their personal deep thing not a social stigma that we have made it. And No, somebody’s sexual preferences or expression is never going to corrupt the society unless they force it on others and we all better know that who is doing what, rather accepting it will bring an ease and some peace to this hypocrite society. And one thing that I can guarantee is those who are holding rainbow aren’t forcing themselves on anyone if anything they are seeking, seeking what is legally theirs as humans .

And there’s another thing that shook me the other day was when one of my hetero folk was too quick to say that“why Queer community wants to legalize same sex marriage, when we( proud hetero) don’t even want to get married” and blatantly laughed at his unfunny joke.well not so funny my dear friend what you said was insensitive and rude. Being single is your choice but even if you would want to get married someday in future you can still do that,but for the people you just mocked there latter isn’t a choice. There being together with someone will never be socially or legally accepted and why this is important because for some people being accepted as someone’s next to kin,legal acknowledgement of calling someone better half, having a family with them is like having a home that they have always dreamt of and as I heard from a very intellectual human,Marriage gives you a bouquet of rights, rights acknowledged by society and judiciary.

And Dear Friend when nobody cares about your relationship status why are you so indulged and making comments on other people’s choice, that you might haven’t met yet. Why don’t you go home alone,read any of your old book,drink a beer and sleep with peace.

Cause let me tell you all one thing, life isn’t same and fair for all, so when you meet someone try to make them happy or keep your filthy mouth shut, there’s already a lot of filth in this world that needs cleaning.

Stay happy, Stay blessed. Peace out.


I like the sweat soaked hairs on your bare forehead.

I like it when you moan,

I like when you cry my name.

I like when you bite your lips in pleasured pain.

I like the sweat on your body.

I like when I press my head on your soft bossoms and your grip around my hairs with every spasm.

I like that lust in your hazel eyes,I like your cheerful cries.

I like biting around your navel,

then see those red marks as some beautiful evil.

When I go down on you, I wait for that unsaid approval.

And, it fills me with pleasure to seek your dewy velvety treasure.

To me your body is holy shrine, a resort that knows magic to bring heathen to heaven.


All these years, I missed you every single day.

Somedays I cursed you, somedays I cried for you.

But there wasn’t a single day when I didn’t love you.

And now that your memories are fading,

It feels like,I m loosing a part of me.

I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

Did you feel the same when you were moving on??

IDeA OF ❤️❤️

We all have something we know is utterly wrong and vague yet we are so obsessed with it. Well for me it is the very idea of “love”or to be precise the idea of love that I was grown up with,“someone will love you for what you are,he will choose over and over again and still never get tired of you,he will choose you every day and will love you forever”.

Courtesy to my Mother,Grandma and ofcourse those so called cringy bollywood movies that even though I don’t believe in this bizzare idea anymore I m still obsessed with it, but now I have come up with my own interpretation of this idea.

I have made up my mind that I m not going to find my man in the place where I m living or let’s say anywhere around me. what it does is on one hand it always keeps my hopes up that there is someone for me it is just he is not anywhere near me and still gives me the reality check that don’t f***g look for him, you are so not going to find him because there is no such person not atleast around you,he is somewhere very far from you.

The thing is nobody is perfect and what I hate most about this beautiful idea is it always tells me how someone will come and love me with all my imperfections and flaws but never tells me,what I m going to do with the problems and flaws he will have, will I be able to choose him over and over again for whatever he is. And how am I going to deal with his issues when I m already upto my neck with my own issues, even though those will be his problems they will impact me at some point and with all this will I be able to love him forever the same way.

And if I don’t see myself doing all this why would I expect some guy to show up and put up with me.

This always reminds me of something that I had read sometimes back,I don’t remember the exact words but it was something like “we all want to be loved and accepted by someone but no one wants to love and accept.”

And one thing I m sure about is “No mom!!! He is not going to find me as the most beautiful girl on planet and I m so not going to deliberately solve his problems and step on someone else’s mess and if I can’t do it, I can’t expect it, from someone else.”

I don’t know how much of what I m writing is making sense yet I want to let you all know that, I m sure there is someone for me too, who is living in some far end of this world or maybe on some other planet or dimension but certainly not anywhere around me,so I think I should stop looking for him here too.

Live and Let live

So the other day a friend of mine wanted to have a discussion whether gay people are real or they just fake it to seek attention. As an active supporter of the LGBTQ rights I wasn’t comfortable in having such insensitive discussion. Initially as we were talking I thought maybe she wanted to learn more about the people but as the discussion was proceeding it was clear that it was more of an attempt to convince me that being L/G/B/T/Q is more related to ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). The discussion started with Angelina Jolie’s sexuality, then it went on to Miley Cyrus and then she said and as I quote “We are hyping it too much and maybe that’s why people are confused about their sexuality, I have read an article about gays and it was clearly stated that there are no genetic reasons for it. So,maybe when these people start to like someone from the same gender they get confused and think, they are sexually attracted to them and sometimes some of them just do it to gain some attention.”

I had a lot to say to her but again my inability to argue took over me,I had words in my head but as usual I was tongue tied. Honestly I don’t know much either but for me it’s just impossible to question somebody’s existence.

One thing that I m sure about is people are not getting confused because we are hyping it, people are coming out because we are trying to normalise it. It’s not some new age agenda instead (if I m not wrong) first pride month took place in 1970 maybe you belong to mediveal times and it’s not just gays who represent the LGBTQ community there are people who are lesbians,Bisexuals, transgenders,queers,Intersex, Asexuals that are it’s part too. Sexuality is not just Black and White it’s a rainbow of colors.

And yess!! we are discussing this a lot these days and we are discussing it because it’s been only 4-5 years since it is legal in India and if you think people are hyping it then Yess!! We are hyping it because it needs to be hyped.

And it’s true that, we all are learning and knowing more about the gender spectrum but wouldn’t it be nice to become more sensitive while discussing this topic. After all we are talking about human beings.

And No!!! Nobody is faking it to gain attention, because we live in such a diabolical society of bigots where coming out of Closet is not just difficult but leads to abandonment and embarassment so if somebody is coming out its not because of their ADHD or confusion about sexuality its beacuse of their courage, its beacuse they are accepting themselves for who they are and are being responsible to society. No body likes to go through painful and let me make you clear sometimes life threatening sex reassignment surgeries, gender dysphoria or corrective rapes to impress you.So rather than being cynical try being kind and help them in the process.

And atlast my dear friend I will say something to you in your language,even if somebody is confused what does it have to do with you?? I mean even If a girl is in love with a girl or a boy in love with a boy how does it effects you in anyway and even if this is not convincing then my friend just ask yourself a question “What is wrong in loving someone??”

All I want to say to you is don’t judge just, Live and let live.

We -2

Winters are almost over here and spring is at the doorstep. Beautiful flowers red,yellow,violet and pink are scattered on every inch of green and you know spring is called as season of love,it’s strange that how, even after all these years the word “Love” reminds me of you….my first love.

I still remember, the time we first met. My bicycle got a flat tyre on my way back to home from school so I had to walk it down on the road.“Want some water??”it was you from behind,the first time I saw you A tired but beautiful face with sweat on forehead. “No!! I am fine, I think you need it more” I said.I didn’t even realise, when you came down of your bicycle to walk beside me and just like that we started walking together.

It won’t be wrong if I call, “us” being together as series of “just like thats”. Just like that one day we held each others’ hands,just like that we started falling for each other,just like that one day you said you want to kiss my lips and I got flustered. Often when I remember those days I always wonder, how something like love can be so simple and yet it gets complicated with time.

If you were here you would have loved to see the bees,that were once waiting for sweet Petunias to bloom now dancing and humming with joy. While standing on terrace once you asked me,how do I feel with you?? At that time it was so sudden that I couldn’t express myself properly and I know that somewhere,it might have disappointed you. But now,If you could ever read this I want to you know that- Every time I looked into those dark eyes of yours I felt like these bees, dancing and humming with joy for their Petunias.

I clearly remember the day I got into the fight with that boy who catcalled a girl from my class because she broke up with him and he called me a slut for speaking up. You know when they say something like this to me,I pretend as if it didn’t bother me at all,I try to hide it deep inside my heart even when it keeps echoing in my head all the time,I try to stand firm on my ground even when my legs are trembling with angst and pain and even when I am shook to core,I keep put with it. It wouldn’t come out as a surprise to you that in all these years I have become an expert in faking almost every emotion, whether it’s pain or it’s a joy.

I didn’t tell you about it for days but when could I hide anything from you?? And the day when you finally asked me,“Are you hurt??” I couldn’t held myself back and I bawled like crazy, sometimes it feels strange that how even your gentle nudge could shuffle or reshuffle all the emotions within me. I can never forget that moment when you held me tight to your chest,put your hand on my head and said,“You know, you don’t have to be strong all the time,it’s Ok if sometimes you are weak, vulnerable and hurt,Just lean on me and I will always hold you like this.” Once again just like that with a gentle nudge, I fell in love with you all over again and I kissed those soft,warm lips of yours.

It’s been years that I haven’t seen a spring as beautiful as this,and even our hearts may get cold and damp with time,but there is a saying here,“As season changes the cold of Winters disappears”, sometimes it gets really cold in here I wish for this winter to disappear too.

As I am walking down these hills,I can see a couple walking ahead of me with their fingers interlocked,they seem to be in love. Sometimes while walking they look into each others’ eyes and then burst into giggles. I wonder what they want to show each other from their eyes.What it could be?? to which they can’t hold their joy. It could be their version of life that they have imagined with each other or it could be a simple promise of a kiss or hug or who knows,maybe it’s a commitment for lifetime….but whatever it is I wish it comes true for them.

As I m looking them all I can think is,how Love is always so beautiful and how sometimes life can get ugly and I hope if it ever gets ugly for them they could just interlock their fingers,look into each others’ eyes and burst into giggles like they are doing now.