I hate winters, the gloomness, the dampness it brings with it .

But there is something in it’s chilly air, that resonates with my soul.

As the coldness shrivels my nerves , it’s sting gives me a familiar pain.

And no i think It’s not winters that I hate,I hate it’s starking similarity with me .

Yesterday,the capital of India.New Delhi celebrated its first Queer march post COVID.

New Delhi the heart of India, sometimes so vicious to intoxicate the whole country, sometimes the root cause of every change in the country, sometimes as monotonous as life in Delhi Metro and sometimes boiling hot pot as JNU, but nobody can deny that whatever happens in Delhi always becomes a topic of discussion of every household in the country.

This time it was pride March, The Heading of every news paper. People from all the communities LGBTQI and those who support them came on streets. Celebrating equality and love in many words, expressions, emotions and Rainbow colors.

But sometimes I wonder why some rules of colonial era are still governing the joys and sexual preferences of people in free India. In this world full of humans and dominated by humans why some of us are still struggling to express love,to make partners,to marry the love of our life or to have family. Why for some love is still a sin and as they say for which they will be punished by God.

Changes are happening , people are atleast ready to listen but I don’t know how much or how long will it take for us to understand that this is our only life, the one life that we are given to make choices,to make love or not make love, choices to make partners or to stay single, choices to get married ,choices to have a family or to never have one and why for some there aren’t any choices because of a certain way they behave or they feel or they are born.

Aren’t we a free country now, don’t we celebrate independence day then why some people are still hiding in their closets , why some of us has their feelings still caged inside their heart. And I won’t call this colonial act as a rule against a single community, I would rather call it an expression against love, acceptance and humanity. Why would someone do something so inhumane to another human, in my idea shackling someone’s soul with rules of society, is the biggest sin of all. Why some non- consensual painful marriages are still happily accepted and why some happily consented marriages remains socially unacceptable.

This parade has made me realise that somewhere we all are in closet and the best versions of ours are still closeted and we all have to help each other to bring that out.

And there are people who say, accepting all people will corrupt the morals of our society as if the society isnt corrupt already. and I think how rubbish is the statement itself. If some person is homosexual, hetrosexual, trans, Bisexual, Asexual, intersex, Pansexual or anything by matter of fact it’s their personal deep thing not a social stigma that we have made it. And No, somebody’s sexual preferences or expression is never going to corrupt the society unless they force it on others and we all better know that who is doing what, rather accepting it will bring an ease and some peace to this hypocrite society. And one thing that I can guarantee is those who are holding rainbow aren’t forcing themselves on anyone if anything they are seeking, seeking what is legally theirs as humans .

And there’s another thing that shook me the other day was when one of my hetero folk was too quick to say that“why Queer community wants to legalize same sex marriage, when we( proud hetero) don’t even want to get married. love and marriage are different things” and blatantly laughed at his unfunny joke.well not so funny my dear friend what you said was insensitive and rude. Being single is your choice but even if you would want to get married someday in future you can still do that,but for the people you just mocked there latter isn’t a choice. Their being together with someone will never be socially or legally accepted and why this is important because to some being accepted as someone’s next to kin,legal acknowledgement of calling someone better half, having a family with them is like having a home that they have always dreamt of.

And Dear Friend when nobody cares about your relationship status why are you so indulged and making comments on other people’s choice, that you might haven’t met yet. Why don’t you go home alone,read any of your old book,drink a beer and sleep with peace.

Cause let me tell you all one thing, life isn’t same and fair for all, so when you meet someone try to make them happy or keep your filthy mouth shut, there’s already a lot of filth in this world that needs cleaning.

Stay happy, Stay blessed. Peace out.

I like the sweat soaked hairs on your bare forehead.

I like it when you moan,

I like when you cry my name.

I like when you bite your lips in pleasured pain.

I like the sweat on your body.

I like when I press my head on your soft bossoms and your grip around my hairs with every spasm.

I like that lust in your hazel eyes,I like your cheerful cries.

I like biting around your navel,

then see those red marks as some beautiful evil.

When I go down on you, I wait for that unsaid approval.

And, it fills me with pleasure to seek your dewy velvety treasure.

To me your body is holy shrine, a resort that knows magic to bring heathen to heaven.

All these years, I missed you every single day.

Somedays I cursed you, somedays I cried for you.

But there wasn’t a single day when I didn’t love you.

And now that your memories are fading,

It feels like,I m loosing a part of me.

I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

Did you feel the same when you were moving on??

We all have something we know is utterly wrong and vague yet we are so obsessed with it. Well for me it is the very idea of “love”or to be precise the idea of love that I was grown up with,“someone will love you for what you are,he will choose over and over again and still never get tired of you,he will choose you every day and will love you forever”.

Courtesy to my Mother,Grandma and ofcourse those so called cringy bollywood movies that even though I don’t believe in this bizzare idea anymore I m still obsessed with it, but now I have come up with my own interpretation of this idea.

I have made up my mind that I m not going to find my man in the place where I m living or let’s say anywhere around me. what it does is on one hand it always keeps my hopes up that there is someone for me it is just he is not anywhere near me and still gives me the reality check that don’t f***g look for him, you are so not going to find him because there is no such person not atleast around you,he is somewhere very far from you.

The thing is nobody is perfect and what I hate most about this beautiful idea is it always tells me how someone will come and love me with all my imperfections and flaws but never tells me,what I m going to do with the problems and flaws he will have, will I be able to choose him over and over again for whatever he is. And how am I going to deal with his issues when I m already upto my neck with my own issues, even though those will be his problems they will impact me at some point and with all this will I be able to love him forever the same way.

And if I don’t see myself doing all this why would I expect some guy to show up and put up with me.

This always reminds me of something that I had read sometimes back,I don’t remember the exact words but it was something like “we all want to be loved and accepted by someone but no one wants to love and accept.”

And one thing I m sure about is “No mom!!! He is not going to find me as the most beautiful girl on planet and I m so not going to deliberately solve his problems and step on someone else’s mess and if I can’t do it, I can’t expect it, from someone else.”

I don’t know how much of what I m writing is making sense yet I want to let you all know that, I m sure there is someone for me too, who is living in some far end of this world or maybe on some other planet or dimension but certainly not anywhere around me,so I think I should stop looking for him here too.

So the other day a friend of mine wanted to have a discussion whether gay people are real or they just fake it to seek attention. As an active supporter of the LGBTQ rights I wasn’t comfortable in having such insensitive discussion. Initially as we were talking I thought maybe she wanted to learn more about the people but as the discussion was proceeding it was clear that it was more of an attempt to convince me that being L/G/B/T/Q is more related to ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). The discussion started with Angelina Jolie’s sexuality, then it went on to Miley Cyrus and then she said and as I quote “We are hyping it too much and maybe that’s why people are confused about their sexuality, I have read an article about gays and it was clearly stated that there are no genetic reasons for it. So,maybe when these people start to like someone from the same gender they get confused and think, they are sexually attracted to them and sometimes some of them just do it to gain some attention.”

I had a lot to say to her but again my inability to argue took over me,I had words in my head but as usual I was tongue tied. Honestly I don’t know much either but for me it’s just impossible to question somebody’s existence.

One thing that I m sure about is people are not getting confused because we are hyping it, people are coming out because we are trying to normalise it. It’s not some new age agenda instead (if I m not wrong) first pride month took place in 1970 maybe you belong to mediveal times and it’s not just gays who represent the LGBTQ community there are people who are lesbians,Bisexuals, transgenders,queers,Intersex, Asexuals that are it’s part too. Sexuality is not just Black and White it’s a rainbow of colors.

And yess!! we are discussing this a lot these days and we are discussing it because it’s been only 4-5 years since it is legal in India and if you think people are hyping it then Yess!! We are hyping it because it needs to be hyped.

And it’s true that, we all are learning and knowing more about the gender spectrum but wouldn’t it be nice to become more sensitive while discussing this topic. After all we are talking about human beings.

And No!!! Nobody is faking it to gain attention, because we live in such a diabolical society of bigots where coming out of Closet is not just difficult but leads to abandonment and embarassment so if somebody is coming out its not because of their ADHD or confusion about sexuality its beacuse of their courage, its beacuse they are accepting themselves for who they are and are being responsible to society. No body likes to go through painful and let me make you clear sometimes life threatening sex reassignment surgeries, gender dysphoria or corrective rapes to impress you.So rather than being cynical try being kind and help them in the process.

And atlast my dear friend I will say something to you in your language,even if somebody is confused what does it have to do with you?? I mean even If a girl is in love with a girl or a boy in love with a boy how does it effects you in anyway and even if this is not convincing then my friend just ask yourself a question “What is wrong in loving someone??”

All I want to say to you is don’t judge just, Live and let live.

Winters are almost over here and spring is at the doorstep. Beautiful flowers red,yellow,violet and pink are scattered on every inch of green and you know spring is called as season of love,it’s strange that how, even after all these years the word “Love” reminds me of you….my first love.

I still remember, the time we first met. My bicycle got a flat tyre on my way back to home from school so I had to walk it down on the road.“Want some water??”it was you from behind,the first time I saw you A tired but beautiful face with sweat on forehead. “No!! I am fine, I think you need it more” I said.I didn’t even realise, when you came down of your bicycle to walk beside me and just like that we started walking together.

It won’t be wrong if I call, “us” being together as series of “just like thats”. Just like that one day we held each others’ hands,just like that we started falling for each other,just like that one day you said you want to kiss my lips and I got flustered. Often when I remember those days I always wonder, how something like love can be so simple and yet it gets complicated with time.

If you were here you would have loved to see the bees,that were once waiting for sweet Petunias to bloom now dancing and humming with joy. While standing on terrace once you asked me,how do I feel with you?? At that time it was so sudden that I couldn’t express myself properly and I know that somewhere,it might have disappointed you. But now,If you could ever read this I want to you know that- Every time I looked into those dark eyes of yours I felt like these bees, dancing and humming with joy for their Petunias.

I clearly remember the day I got into the fight with that boy who catcalled a girl from my class because she broke up with him and he called me a slut for speaking up. You know when they say something like this to me,I pretend as if it didn’t bother me at all,I try to hide it deep inside my heart even when it keeps echoing in my head all the time,I try to stand firm on my ground even when my legs are trembling with angst and pain and even when I am shook to core,I keep put with it. It wouldn’t come out as a surprise to you that in all these years I have become an expert in faking almost every emotion, whether it’s pain or it’s a joy.

I didn’t tell you about it for days but when could I hide anything from you?? And the day when you finally asked me,“Are you hurt??” I couldn’t held myself back and I bawled like crazy, sometimes it feels strange that how even your gentle nudge could shuffle or reshuffle all the emotions within me. I can never forget that moment when you held me tight to your chest,put your hand on my head and said,“You know, you don’t have to be strong all the time,it’s Ok if sometimes you are weak, vulnerable and hurt,Just lean on me and I will always hold you like this.” Once again just like that with a gentle nudge, I fell in love with you all over again and I kissed those soft,warm lips of yours.

It’s been years that I haven’t seen a spring as beautiful as this,and even our hearts may get cold and damp with time,but there is a saying here,“As season changes the cold of Winters disappears”, sometimes it gets really cold in here I wish for this winter to disappear too.

As I am walking down these hills,I can see a couple walking ahead of me with their fingers interlocked,they seem to be in love. Sometimes while walking they look into each others’ eyes and then burst into giggles. I wonder what they want to show each other from their eyes.What it could be?? to which they can’t hold their joy. It could be their version of life that they have imagined with each other or it could be a simple promise of a kiss or hug or who knows,maybe it’s a commitment for lifetime….but whatever it is I wish it comes true for them.

As I m looking them all I can think is,how Love is always so beautiful and how sometimes life can get ugly and I hope if it ever gets ugly for them they could just interlock their fingers,look into each others’ eyes and burst into giggles like they are doing now.

You feel pain,you feel sorrow,you feel joy,you feel low,you feel high and then there comes a point when you can’t differentiate if it’s all yours or given by others. Slowly with time you realise that you were never alone in crowd,you were always on the opposite side. Oh!! and No,that does not makes you feel any precious or unique, that just makes more you pathetic and miserable.

You make wall,brick by brick everyday. You make it big so no one can leap,You make it strong so no one can break. But soon,it gets cold on your side,it becomes blue to grey and grey to dark. You can hear their laughter and all those whispers,so you seek some warmth and long for some colors. You whimper in pain and cry in agony, But that’s not their fault,the wall was yours.

You scratch the big strong wall,until your nails get sore and fingers bleed,but if you really want to break it, It needs to be pushed not scratched.

maybe until now,you will realise that this wall can’t be broken and no matter how much you resent it, the wall belongs to you.

And one day when you will get tired and have nothing to rely on,you can sleep in peace by leaning on your wall with those laughters and whispers fading far away.

Walking through these bushy roads covered with golden pine needles,I remember the time when I used to wait for you at bicycle shed to go home with you.Those lanes were also bushy though not as green as these but greener than anywhere you can find in a city. Even though I never said it but I used to long for school to close, that half an hour ride used to be the best part of my whole 24 hours day, I used to tell you everything from blossoming love affairs in class to super boring social science lecture and when I look into those old days I can’t believe how easily I let myself trust you with everything and after you left I realised how difficult it is for me to open up infront of others. I still remember how i hated the rains because what it meant was we can’t go together on our bicycles.

How much I hated it in school bus,I never liked being in crowd,once you asked me why do I complain about it so much??? and I told u “because there are people and I hate most of them,they are the worst.” and you laughed so hard and asked me “am I not people??” I didn’t reply cause all I could see was how beautiful you looked while laughing, and no you were not people you were mine.

How you tried to explore new routes on our way from school to home though you never found one,but god !!you were obsessed about that and then some years later when you smirked at me and told me that you never actually wanted to found one and honestly there wasn’t much to explore,it was just to spend some more time with me.I sulked at you and slapped you on the arm but deep down my heart was filled with warmth and love. I wasn’t angry but was shocked at your bluntness. I felt the tickles of joy in my stomach and at the same time I felt a painful sting in my body, I was scared to loose you.

You would have loved it here,there is so much to explore that you couldn’t do there,and we wouldn’t have to worry about rain here, we can still stand together under bottle brush tree as long as we want with no people around because people are the worst.

What I loved about you is you were so clear about what you wanted,you were always so sure that you loved me.On the other hand I was always me,and who knows better than you that I can ruin things simply by being me.

I still remember the day Pie died, it was runt in the litter of pups. You took care of it,you nurtured it as your own.you always had this soft place in your heart for troubled and miserable and maybe that’s why you loved me.You were sad that day,you held my hand tightly and said don’t worry he is in Safe Heaven, as if you were reassuring yourself. I asked you what is Safe Heaven,and you said a place where you feel most safe and happy, a place to where every good soul belongs.

I didn’t care if I was good or bad but with you I felt belonged….With you I felt safe,I felt happy and I felt love,that day I knew you were my Safe Heaven.

The scent of pine is mixed in air,and one can hear a wolf howling at a distance and you know there is a thing they say about wolves. Wolves,they are like humans they mate for life and incase they get separated from their partner they sometimes howl in pain for years, and I can’t help but think,In what way they are same as us,aren’t they better???

And at this point I am just wondering if this wolf is crying in pain or if it is calling its pack to move forward.

Come walk with me and I can be your shadow,Dark but always beside you.