It all started with a right swipe on a dating app, I was single for 5 years or so, on my 25th I downloaded the app hoping that I might find love. It’s been one hell of a journey since then, but when I couldn’t found even one guy to go on a date with, I lost all my hopes and and there I met you. I swiped right, you had already swiped me and there we were “Matched”,I saw a boy with an innocent face holding blazer on his back, slightly tilted on right side( clumsy maybe), thin body with curly hairs. I didn’t know why but back then I chuckled at you , next was a bathroom selfie in front of a water sink, with toothbrush stand on a side I chuckled again this time a little harder and the last was the classic one (a scenery with an intentionally candid you). ” Fuck this guy is 135 km away from here, I never choose this range. ” but then I thought as I have nothing to do this evening,let’s talk to this weird army officer it took me 1 min to figure that out. Yeah army blood grew up in cantonments all my life.
And that’s when for the first time I had the most emotional conversation on a dating app, I called him the lanky boy and who knew at that time his lanky will bewitch me with his laughs and innocence.
From past six months so much so has happened, I still remember the day we first video called each other the lanky taught me some palm reading and with his stupid skills he told me that I would have 2 kids. But I said I want 5 , lanky said I should start right now. And I thought what a misogyny behind this lanky face. God what a cute little weirdo you you were. Since then I was on this beautiful journey with this man.
1) My friend and I drunk dialed him on New Year’s Eve. That is something I am still ashamed of , next day you simply asked “u alright” and ghosted me. Lanky was Cute I used to told my friend often.
2) After a week of guilt trip things started working the same way , I was busy with work and started dating again . Some where I was too tired to try it again but then I met this intellectual man and Went on a date with him he was really nice initially but I guess when his Idea of going to a hotel room didn’t worked on second date, he started ignoring me and Yess lanky also came back somewhere around the same time , with a message at 12 AM and it was his mere presence that everything was back in place. We called my then date, horny date as Tarzan and the day Tarzan finally told me he is done with me cuz of course his ideas of taking me to rooms failed I didn’t feel an ounce of sadness. maybe I was pulling back because I knew lanky will be back.
2) We started of again as friends than I used to discuss About Tarzan , lanky and I laughed at him , sometimes I would try to fix lanky with a girl,sometimes would give him dating advice. We were good I was at peace. Something was resonating perfectly between us,may be the left out child we had within us, the feeling of un belongingness or the fear of being abandoned.
4) Three months passed continuously talking we used to laugh at anything we started talking about families and stuff past relationships and all. Things were good and smooth. I would ask lanky if he is free and he would say Yes and then we would video call for hours.
5) After third month things started to get more intense either he or I would call and it’s a must. We started sharing our problems, fears, life issues and all and all. I still remember the day he slept with his camera On,maybe he was sad that day. I couldn’t forgot how beautiful and innocent his face looked. Something changed I slept beside him and it was just us for that moment and he slept like a baby I hope he felt the same calmness that I felt that night. Lanky wasn’t Lanky any more he became so may things after that any name that I would I like to call him with.Suddenly he became one of my people and I look after those whom I call my people.
6) Weird month we started caring for each other, getting jealous yet no one is sure if it is something. But I there was something off, he is tired often started working late, I started waking up late , so that I can know he is doing well.
7) He fell sick he was overworked, tired and of course had a poor immune system for the first time in years I was worried about someone else out of my family , but maybe he really became mine .I wanted to see him, talk to him more and which I did . I called my doctor friends and also the one who is graduating in Ayurveda I did all that and yeah I am selfish.
8) I proposed to him, he said No, a dream was shattered a dream with him and soon I got reality check maybe I am not the apt person for him I am the one who lives on meds, therapies and more meds. Lithium amount increased substantially in my blood. I wasn’t apt for anyone,i think I should stop dreaming about anything like my own home.Afterwards I stopped calling him but then again I am selfish.
9) After 5 days he called again, and I forgot everything every fear and pain and for the first time he shared his insecurities with me, I don’t know why he was thinking of everybody when I was ready to fight with everything and everyone for him. Suddenly every deficiency of mine was gone , this time I won’t let myself get harmed again . I assured him I will look after everything , he was happy and we made some weird jokes and laughed. I was happy but then I was scared maybe he wasn’t up for everything, maybe I am forcing him into this and my over thinking ruined everything.
10) I told him to stay only if he wanted to, maybe I took every assurance and comfort I gave him last night or maybe finally he was at ease. All I wanted him to be happy, I didn’t want to push him into things but had he loved me wouldn’t he had said Yes.
All the best.
11) Things were smooth again or we were getting used to it overworked, tired him and anxious, worried me but I guess even that worked for us. ‘‘How could someone can be so patient and how did I ever get you” . That’s what I used to think.
12) later on he left for certain things that were important, everything was fine in the beginning but then I have a tendency to ruin beautiful things. I tried not to but I did, and something beautiful that was started in cold of December couldn’t bear the Heat of May.
I think, some beautiful things are there just to show you that world is way more beautiful than we can think of.
All the best love, I had the most beautiful days with you and if somebody will ask me what is my most beautiful memory with you, honestly it’s when you laughed I used to wonder how can someone be so beautiful and delightful at the same time. It’s the face that soothed my eyes and I wish to never forget it.